You have some feedback that you’d like to give someone. You have good intentions about the feedback, too. You’ve even carefully planned how you will frame the feedback. And you are truly committed to helping this person grow. 

It doesn’t matter.

No matter how accurate the feedback, how good your intentions, how well the feedback is framed, or how committed you are to this person, providing unsolicited feedback rarely goes well. 

Why?

Because when people are caught off guard and informed about a weakness, it doesn’t feel good. People easily become defensive and reactive. And there go your intentions and framed message, out the door. 

The key to providing feedback so that others hear it, is getting them to seek it. If you want to provide feedback when someone hasn’t asked you to, peak her curiosity. Let her know you have ideas that you’d like to share, if she is interested. Or ask her if she’d be interested in talking with you about how you experienced her performance. People are often not interested in hearing about how they are failing. However, they are often very interested in hearing about how others experience them, from the mind of a smart and observant person. 

Peaking someone’s interest involves patience. You’re not going to be having that conversation right away. Plant the seed and give her some time to sit with it and prepare herself for feedback. She’ll come around when she’s ready. And when this occurs, you’ll be there to privately start with a strength, highlight the area of improvement, and then close the conversation on a positive and motivating note. 

With some personalities, you may be able to provide feedback whenever you discover some. If a person on your team is constantly open to feedback, and you’ve talked about how, in your role, you’ll be providing it routinely, then you don’t need to peak her interest or wait. However, with everyone else, including people who seem open, it’s best to try and peak their interest instead of just providing unsolicited feedback. Why not reduce the chance that they’ll get defensive and stop listening?

Do have experience trying to get people interested in receiving the valuable feedback you have to deliver? Share with us in the comments below.