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Sometimes you meet someone who is very influential in your field—a famous leader who is smart, strategic, and…crazy. Yes, crazy. You know the type—either narcissistic, manipulative, vengeful or all of the above. Maybe she was your first boss who blamed you for her mistakes, had deep insecurities about herself, but who acknowledged seeing something special in you. Or maybe he was your advisor in grad school, brilliant and neurotic, with a strong tendency to put you down while making you still feel grateful for being in his presence. Either way, it can be tricky to know how to stay in touch with these influential people while also keeping your distance from their crazy. You know that it’s unhealthy for you to be around people like this because your confidence takes a blow, you feel like an imposter and you doubt your self worth. However, you are also interested in not burning the bridge to these people because of their power. They have the authority in your field to make very meaningful introductions for you. If you get their endorsement, you are set. But at what cost to your sanity?
Below are a few tips on how to strike such a fragile balance of keeping these people close enough that you’re top of mind to them, but far enough that they don’t impact your sense of self.
Keep people like this close professionally, but not personally. Even if they try to bring you into their personal lives, work hard to keep your personal life separate from them. Don’t let their toxic energy and manipulation infiltrate more of your life than is necessary for you to get ahead in your career. No family BBQ invitations. No play dates with your kids. Office parties only. Set your boundaries.
If you don’t see these people often—maybe you used to work with them or study under them—create a plan for how you will stay present in their minds. Announce big career changes—new jobs, promotions, book releases, etc. Check in with them once or twice annually to see what they’re working on. You want them to have a sense of what you’re doing and to feel that you are interested in their latest work. This can be done via email or phone calls and doesn’t need to be an in-person thing. However, if you are at a conference with them, or see that they are giving a talk in your city, it’s a good idea to show up every now and then. Showing face at events like that can go a long way to staying on their minds.
How do you keep up with these toxic yet importance people in your career? Share your tips below.