Negotiations don’t come easy to many women. There are a lot of reasons why this is the case. In my time as a woman in the workforce, as a hiring manager, as someone who has been on both sides of the negotiating table, and as a negotiations coach, there is a phrase that I’ve heard over and over again among only women. And I have to tell you that if I never heard this phrase again, I’d be very happy. 

“I’m grateful for the experience.”

You see, on the surface this phrase sounds harmless. It is filled with humility and gratitude and truth. So what’s the big deal?

The big deal is that when this phrase is used at the negotiations table, or when this phrase is used to frame your mindset going into negotiations, it ruins your chances of getting paid your real worth. 

This phrase values the experience they are offering you more than the labor you are offering them, and it sets you up to undervalue yourself. When we project that the company has more to offer us than we have to offer them, we give the other team permission to believe that too. Good luck getting paid more when you’ve already convinced them that the work you will do for them is reward enough for your efforts. Companies already think that you need them more than they need you. That’s not the case but the game of negotiations is already set up against you because of their misguided mindset. They don’t need more reason to think this way. 

Now gratitude and humility are traits that come easy to many women, especially when we have to advocate for ourselves in negotiations. We don’t want to be seen as ungrateful or big-headed (or worse: found to be the “imposters” we really are) so we overcompensate by giving gratitude and humility more room than they need at the table. 

There are other, less sabotaging ways to express your gratitude, like by saying, “I’m grateful for the offer.” Remember, the offer is for you to produce work for them in exchange for them paying you good money. Negotiations is where you get them to pay you great money in exchange for your work. Your rate is the fee for them to borrow your brain for 40 hours per week. Nothing more and nothing less. Think of all the costly educational and experiential investments you’ve put into your brain. Still think what you’re offering them is less than what they’re offering you?

As far as preserving your humility in negotiations—abandon it! Negotiations are not humble places! They are the one place where humility works against you and your best interests. So leave your humility at home and go charge as much as you can for the rental of your brain.

I’m a little passionate about women getting paid fairly. Can you tell? ;)